Emotions

Feelings.... nothing more than ... feelings.... crooned Morris Albert back in the seventies.

This past month marked our fourth year on this journey that started off much differently than we had anticipated. And as we celebrated, I reflected on all those emotions that overwhelmed me during that first season....

Fear
From the moment there was the suspicion that something might be different, fear lodged itself deep deep within and surfaced repeatedly on a daily basis. What if.... how am I going to handle the extra responsibility.... what type of impact will medical issues have on our family.... what if I'm caught in a situation and I don't know what to do.... Questions circled around and around and around, often spinning wildly out of control. I overanalyzed every doctor visit. I dreaded appointments, but lived for each one, hoping for positive information. I found it hard to leave the kids (we had two girls at the time) even for a little while. If I did leave, and found myself running late, I had to remind myself not to panic, that 10, or even 15 minutes wouldn't make a big difference. In short, I had to learn how to be a parent all over again. Those first two years, really, were about recovering confidence that had been shattered, about facing stuff you never thought you'd have to, and finding that not only is it doable, but can be very rewarding too. Fear still comes knocking, every so often. And sometimes I even entertain it for a while. But then I remember how far we've come. And how far we'll go. And I take a deep breath and do it one day at a time.

Frustration
We have some wonderful therapists as part of our life. Primarily we have occupational, physical and speech therapy. Consequently, though, there has been tremendous focus on development, emphasizing learning and growth, and often with a nagging sense that someone was watching over my shoulder. I remember, way back at the beginning, when I was trying to figure out how all of this was going to fit into our days. It seemed so overwhelming at the time. Trying to encourage developmental play was so frustrating for both of us!!! It took me a while to realize that there is a BIG DIFFERENCE between forcing and facilitating learning. In my anxiety, I tended to the former, trying to keep things as "close to normal" as possible. Now, four years into this experience, I still get frustrated when I realize that my expectations are out of line with what is reasonable at this point. It is a learning process, for both of us.

Fatigue
An issue that we have dealt with, and it continues to be a struggle, is fatigue. It is well known that children with development issues often have problems sleeping well at night. Our little sweetie is no exception to that rule!! While the details of that are another post for a different day, it is suffice to say that learning how to absorb all of this, with very little sleep, is a challenge.

Grief
How does a parent come to terms that their child may never say their name? May never utter "I love you"? May never run like the other kids do or play one step behind because these precious little ones just don't understand the social rules? The severity of our situation is not nearly as challenging as was first predicted, for which we are thankful, but every so often we get glimpses into this ache of the heart. When our little one lags behind, or the words just won't come or there is simply something we just cannot understand. Instead of trying to absorb the whole picture (which we never know anyway!), I move through one day at a time, giving space and dignity to each sadness that comes along, and ensuring we celebrate the victories.


Love and a deep sense of joy
Our little one was only weeks old. I sat on our bed, holding her, thanking God for each special, intricate part of her being. It was not easy, this moment of acceptance. But it was beautiful and freeing. Whatever life held in store for us, we were going to do it together. I had the honor of being her mother, of participating in her life story, of witnessing a million miracles unfold that I would otherwise take for granted.

Oh, the emotions ran deep and strong, and in many ways still do.

What did you experience as awareness dawned and the unforeseen became a reality?